Post by Delphine Marx on Oct 23, 2008 23:16:51 GMT -6
Laughing. Laughing is all I could do at the moment as I sat in front of the TV on my bean-bang chair in the motel room. And not just any kind of laughter… the laughter where rain water pours out of your eyes and your stomach aches as if you just ate a spicy Jamaican paddy. The question is, was I either really, really, really, really high right now, or did I just see the funniest short doo-hickey promo thingy that I have ever seen. I roll on my side and leaning on my bean-bag chair, still full of that wonderful laughing pain. “OH MAN!” I shouted finally catching my breath.
“Jesus Christ… that was totally awesome. This ‘Dredd’ guy is like the funniest comedian since, since… um, since that Carrot Top fellow. Oh man, I gotta call Xav!”
I laughed once more, rewinding the taped promo that Dredd revealed for Natural Selection. I flipped open my cell phone, I chuckle at my cell phone background image, which is of course a picture of me punching that dragonfly. Gotta give Xavier full credit for that one, he is one hell of a photographer. After admiring that amazing photo shot for a few more seconds I finally decided to dial up Xavier.
“The person you are trying to reach is currently unavailable. To leave a voice male, please leave a message after the beep.
Typical Xavier, most likely out spending his time ‘training’ for his match coming up. Making sure that bod is looking all good. It’s really adorable.
BEEP
“WHA-WHAT! Hey babe, it’s me, you sex-flame… whatever that means… I guess it means that our sex is so hot, it should be like in flames or something. Wow, that actually does make a lot sense… just like parking meters. Get it? Sense… cents? Money cents. I’m sure you are laughing, god you have such a sexy laugh… it like totally sucks that we have to go against each other this upcoming Sunday. I mean I was SO pissed that night when the ‘man’ told us we were gonna be enemies and not peace lovers in our SNW debuts. It was so friggen’ gay of him. And I don’t mean that in like a ‘gay-happy’ sort of way, I mean that in a ‘gay-man-on-man-butt-sex’ kind of way. Luckily I found my red circle bong to calm me down… also known as an apple! Oh right, I know you like don’t exactly love when I ‘do-the-doobage’ but trust me, my mind is in the right zone. And that’s why….
BEEP
“MOTHER FUCKER!” I shouted once again. The fucking voice mail cut me off… and I like wasn’t even done doing my talking either. Plus I totally got side tracked from the point I was trying to make. Well, until I saw a freeze frame of Dredd’s face paused on the tv screen. Then I chuckled some more. Remembering, I redialed immediately.
“The person you are trying to reach is currently unavailable. “YADDA-YADDA-YADDA!” To leave a voice male, please leave a message after the beep.
BEEP
“Hey baby, guess who? It’s me again. Okay, I saw your reveal the other day, god damn that was hot baby! It should have been me there with you. We could have worn those matching hats I bought from the thrift store… you know the ones that say ‘WE BEE COOL’ and it had a picture of a cartoon bee wearing sunglasses…. What were the odds of finding two of them? That’s sexy. We. We are sexy. Well anyway, loved your debut, sexy as hell. Shame I’m stuck with Team Noob Dynasty, or whatever they are. I like to call them my ‘new black friends.’ Even though they don’t return my messages, any of them. All I told them was I wanted to do was ‘par-tay-like-dare-aint-no-thang’, but I guess they just didn’t get my message. But yeah whatever, I’m not SO mad about it. But yeah, I know you are still pissed at that Vince loser for forcing us to go against us, hell like I said I am not very pleased either but hey, after the pay per view, we will kick some serious ass if they don’t respect us… we’ll let them know who the real power in SNW lies in. And I do mean us, handsome. God, you looked so f’n good out there baby. Shame you are not here baby, I am in those lace bra and panties you love so much.”
I was really just in jeans, tank top and my toque, but he doesn’t know that, it’s a phone call… not a future robotic video device. Never going to happen, future robots.
“…But oh well… another time… But damn the crowd was all surprised too with your reveal… because why would someone like you even waste your time in a dump known as Sports Nutz. These fans are super lucky that you are willing to lower your standards that much. Speaking of lowered standards… what’s up with your Dredd, partner? Did he just get let out of the Sport Nut house. I mean the guy frigging sounds like an murderer or something. Oh man did I laugh so hard at that. I know you two haven’t really met, and will only meet most likely at Natural Selection, but dude, tell him your lady thinks he is the funniest thing to come around since Pauley Shore movies. I mean did you get to see his promo? I got the tape fed-ex’d to me. Oh my god, it’s so f’n hilarious.”
At this point I burst out laughing again directly towards the fuzzy paused face of Dredd.
“This guy was all like.”
At this point I do my impression of Dredd, which is pretty accurate. Well not really, but I at least make my voice lower.
“…’hey, look at meeeeeeee, I am mean ol’ Dredd, la, la, la, that sexy Delphine Marx and those two cool black guys see the world through roses or something…. Um, eh… me is Dredd, me a monster, me no like light, me count down ticky-tocks and controls the world… and me eat humans and me hate sounds of ducks… har-har-har…’…. Okay, I may have made up the eating humans and hating the quacking sounds of duck parts, but most of that is pretty dead on what he had to say. I mean this is a joke right? This guy got hired for his comedic timing and not for his wrestling ability? But hell he could wrestle really well for all I know, but sweetie, he for sure knows how to make me laugh. Laugh really hard. You should have seen him babe, he’s all dark and mysterious too threatening my life. He is a real Don Knots! But whatever, he is a clown so that makes him a-okay in my book. In fact if all goes well after Natural Selection, and we don’t all leave hating each other. Well, you know me, I couldn’t hate anyone… I love everything from plants, to animals, to humans, to even other kinds of plants… so I say whatever team wins, weather it be me, the sexy, beautiful Delphine Marx and my cool hip-pity-hop-pity black guy friends, or you, the sexy man beast that you are, that hilarious comedian Dredd guy, and… the other guy on your team… if it all ends well, we should throw a party. A party with balloons and everything. I mean why hold grudges, we are clearly 10 times better then them anyway way. And I….”
FUCK!
The phone isn’t on anymore… I think the battery died or something… or I clicked the off button off by mistake… or am I just holding a lemon… and did my messages even go through? So many questions… so little time… so such of a big head ache also. I eventually turned off my lemon-like-cellular phone, and knew it was time for me to get back to work. I had to study my opponents for Natural Selection. One my current lover machine, another a guy whose name doesn’t even cross my mind and third and most importantly, the hilarious comedian known as Dredd. I had to study this tape… over and over and over again… to ‘understand’ the state of mind of whom I will be facing. And to not just laugh with him, but to laugh at him also. So it was settled, I would make a bowl of popcorn, find my stash of legal marijuana (for my glaucoma * wink wink *) and watch this hilarious Dredd promo tape over and over again until I literally wet myself with laughter. It’s going to be one hell of a night…
