Post by Hollywood on Oct 24, 2008 14:21:30 GMT -6
The Sports Authority found out the hard way who the Dark Ones selected to be their partner at Natural Selection. Their bodies had been strewn about as if they were murder victims, and were rushed to the nearest hospital to get checked out.
Having recovered from their injuries, the entire Sports Authority stable called a press conference inside the media conference room at the Dallas Cowboys practice facility in Valley Ranch, Texas. Seated at the conference table from left to right are Matt Margera, Codi Shane, Gordon Heath, George Dunpork and Craig Mueller.
GORDIE
First off, I'd like to say that we are feeling much better after the cowardly and attempted murderous assault at the hands of Azrael, who the Dark Ones selected as their partner. No one from the Sports Authority will be pulling out of the match, and it will be our pleasure to rid Sports Nutz Wrestling of the darkness that the Dark Ones have brought with them. We'll go ahead and take your questions.
REPORTER #1
Noting the assault that Azrael delivered to you all, how come you have allowed him to be on your roster?
GORDIE
Before he sold his majority shares, Hellspawn wrote into the match contract for Sports Authority vs Dark Ones at Natural Selection that they could choose any partner they wanted to take the place of Hellspawn, as he would have an obligation to defend his Texas Championship. Now as for why we would keep Azrael on the roster, if for some reason the Sports Authority can't take him out, we would love nothing more than to keep him on hand so that we could make his life a living hell.
REPORTER #2
This is for the Sports Nutz. What do you have to say to the people in the media that are saying that you choked again when you were the first team eliminated from the four corners Texas Tag Title match?
CRAIG
Every once in a great while, even the greatest have their bad days. The tag title match at Onslaught was just one of those days.
REPORTER #2
Wouldn't you say that the Sports Nutz have been having quite a bit of those bad days, though?
DUNPORK
Hey, bud! We don't tolerate stupid questions from peons like you! Security, take this man away!
The security guards on hand forcefully grabbed the short little man who had pissed the Sports Authority off with his line of questioning. The reporter kicked and screamed, stating that he would sue Gordon Heath. Gordie responded ever so maturely by standing up and delivering a crotch chop, flipping the reporter the old "Uncle Charlie," then sitting back down. The members of the press looked around, a bit hesitant to ask any questions.
GORDIE
What are you all scared for? We only throw out people who ask stupid questions. So please, keep the good questions coming.
REPORTER #3
This is for Matt Margera. Word has gotten out that you assaulted a friend of yours who plays guitar for the Fort Worth based rock band, After the Harvest. First, is it true you assaulted him, and two why?
MATT MARGERA
First, yes it's true that I kicked Jake's stinkin' teeth in. And second, I assaulted him because he's nothing more than a pest and a leech. He kept calling me, asking if I could get his band a gig at an SNW show. And he was calling every single frickin' day! Well needless to say, he hasn't called since I knocked his lights out at his piss ant gig in Fort Worth recently.
REPORTER #4
This is for Codi Shane. Codi, you haven't exactly seen a lot of in ring action in SNW, and you're already in a high stakes match up at a major PPV event. Are you at all nervous about the match?
CODI SHANE
Not at all. I am the most naturally gifted female wrestler in the entire state of Texas, and Wench will quickly find that out come Natural Selection. Hell, she already knows how tough I am from the ass kicking I gave her when Matt Margera picked up that brat, Damien, at the local Toys 'R' Us.
REPORTER #5
Are you at all nervous that Alexander Draven may show up in his Dark Sun persona, his most deranged and dangerous side of his personality?
DUNPORK
We have nothing to fear but ears of corn themselves!
Everyone turned their heads, even the other Sports Authority members, as they were wondering why on earth George butchered one of the most famous quotes in American history.
DUNPORK
Oh, so I can't be original?
Everyone shrugged it off as George continued to address the question.
DUNPORK
Anyway, to answer your question, we don't fear Alexander Draven's "Dark Sun" persona. I mean, seriously, what makes him dangerous? That wearing that stupid Halloween mask keeps him from being able to see while driving, coupled with the fact he drives on the wrong side of the road? Well last I checked, we're not re-enacting that monster truck match on the roof between Hulk Hogan and Paul Wight...
CODI SHANE
Thank God!
DUNPORK
Anyways, our match won't involve any driving. So he's going to be more ruthless in the match? Fine! Let that spare do all he wants and get himself disqualified, eliminating him from the match.
CRAIG
That's also why we're not afraid of Azrael.
REPORTER #6
Didn't he hit you with a television set?
CRAIG
Nope, he missed. I took advantage of the lights being turned off and ducked down as he threw the television set against the wall. I stayed down as the debris fell onto me, and I stayed down so that he wouldn't try to further attack me and keep me from competing in the match.
MATT MARGERA
You know what? I'll say it right now. Azrael is overrated. Everybody talks about how gruesome and ruthless he is. Well anybody can be gruesome and ruthless when they ambush people from behind. I mean, Saddam Hussein wasn't so bad when everyone came after him, now was he? Same will go for Azrael come Natural Selection. When we come after him, he'll go running to his fellow Dungeons and Dragons dorks and cry for them to tag him out. Then he'll run and get himself counted out as he goes back home to his mommy's basement and plays World of Warcraft.
CODI SHANE
Well look who's making fun of people who play World of Warcraft. Mr. "Hey, let me finish beating hitman3402 at NCAA Football 09."
MATT MARGERA
Hey now! NCAA is actually a game that cool people play.
GORDIE
OK, we're going to end this press conference now before you people in the media try to tear the Sports Authority apart again.
With that, the Sports Authority rose from their seats and sauntered out of the press conference room as the media filed out.
Having recovered from their injuries, the entire Sports Authority stable called a press conference inside the media conference room at the Dallas Cowboys practice facility in Valley Ranch, Texas. Seated at the conference table from left to right are Matt Margera, Codi Shane, Gordon Heath, George Dunpork and Craig Mueller.
GORDIE
First off, I'd like to say that we are feeling much better after the cowardly and attempted murderous assault at the hands of Azrael, who the Dark Ones selected as their partner. No one from the Sports Authority will be pulling out of the match, and it will be our pleasure to rid Sports Nutz Wrestling of the darkness that the Dark Ones have brought with them. We'll go ahead and take your questions.
REPORTER #1
Noting the assault that Azrael delivered to you all, how come you have allowed him to be on your roster?
GORDIE
Before he sold his majority shares, Hellspawn wrote into the match contract for Sports Authority vs Dark Ones at Natural Selection that they could choose any partner they wanted to take the place of Hellspawn, as he would have an obligation to defend his Texas Championship. Now as for why we would keep Azrael on the roster, if for some reason the Sports Authority can't take him out, we would love nothing more than to keep him on hand so that we could make his life a living hell.
REPORTER #2
This is for the Sports Nutz. What do you have to say to the people in the media that are saying that you choked again when you were the first team eliminated from the four corners Texas Tag Title match?
CRAIG
Every once in a great while, even the greatest have their bad days. The tag title match at Onslaught was just one of those days.
REPORTER #2
Wouldn't you say that the Sports Nutz have been having quite a bit of those bad days, though?
DUNPORK
Hey, bud! We don't tolerate stupid questions from peons like you! Security, take this man away!
The security guards on hand forcefully grabbed the short little man who had pissed the Sports Authority off with his line of questioning. The reporter kicked and screamed, stating that he would sue Gordon Heath. Gordie responded ever so maturely by standing up and delivering a crotch chop, flipping the reporter the old "Uncle Charlie," then sitting back down. The members of the press looked around, a bit hesitant to ask any questions.
GORDIE
What are you all scared for? We only throw out people who ask stupid questions. So please, keep the good questions coming.
REPORTER #3
This is for Matt Margera. Word has gotten out that you assaulted a friend of yours who plays guitar for the Fort Worth based rock band, After the Harvest. First, is it true you assaulted him, and two why?
MATT MARGERA
First, yes it's true that I kicked Jake's stinkin' teeth in. And second, I assaulted him because he's nothing more than a pest and a leech. He kept calling me, asking if I could get his band a gig at an SNW show. And he was calling every single frickin' day! Well needless to say, he hasn't called since I knocked his lights out at his piss ant gig in Fort Worth recently.
REPORTER #4
This is for Codi Shane. Codi, you haven't exactly seen a lot of in ring action in SNW, and you're already in a high stakes match up at a major PPV event. Are you at all nervous about the match?
CODI SHANE
Not at all. I am the most naturally gifted female wrestler in the entire state of Texas, and Wench will quickly find that out come Natural Selection. Hell, she already knows how tough I am from the ass kicking I gave her when Matt Margera picked up that brat, Damien, at the local Toys 'R' Us.
REPORTER #5
Are you at all nervous that Alexander Draven may show up in his Dark Sun persona, his most deranged and dangerous side of his personality?
DUNPORK
We have nothing to fear but ears of corn themselves!
Everyone turned their heads, even the other Sports Authority members, as they were wondering why on earth George butchered one of the most famous quotes in American history.
DUNPORK
Oh, so I can't be original?
Everyone shrugged it off as George continued to address the question.
DUNPORK
Anyway, to answer your question, we don't fear Alexander Draven's "Dark Sun" persona. I mean, seriously, what makes him dangerous? That wearing that stupid Halloween mask keeps him from being able to see while driving, coupled with the fact he drives on the wrong side of the road? Well last I checked, we're not re-enacting that monster truck match on the roof between Hulk Hogan and Paul Wight...
CODI SHANE
Thank God!
DUNPORK
Anyways, our match won't involve any driving. So he's going to be more ruthless in the match? Fine! Let that spare do all he wants and get himself disqualified, eliminating him from the match.
CRAIG
That's also why we're not afraid of Azrael.
REPORTER #6
Didn't he hit you with a television set?
CRAIG
Nope, he missed. I took advantage of the lights being turned off and ducked down as he threw the television set against the wall. I stayed down as the debris fell onto me, and I stayed down so that he wouldn't try to further attack me and keep me from competing in the match.
MATT MARGERA
You know what? I'll say it right now. Azrael is overrated. Everybody talks about how gruesome and ruthless he is. Well anybody can be gruesome and ruthless when they ambush people from behind. I mean, Saddam Hussein wasn't so bad when everyone came after him, now was he? Same will go for Azrael come Natural Selection. When we come after him, he'll go running to his fellow Dungeons and Dragons dorks and cry for them to tag him out. Then he'll run and get himself counted out as he goes back home to his mommy's basement and plays World of Warcraft.
CODI SHANE
Well look who's making fun of people who play World of Warcraft. Mr. "Hey, let me finish beating hitman3402 at NCAA Football 09."
MATT MARGERA
Hey now! NCAA is actually a game that cool people play.
GORDIE
OK, we're going to end this press conference now before you people in the media try to tear the Sports Authority apart again.
With that, the Sports Authority rose from their seats and sauntered out of the press conference room as the media filed out.
